White and Tender, Surround the Center

Among my "Coffey-licious Liver Tonic"-induced blog housecleaning activities: a restored link to the Egg Song. It doesn't go directly to the song, but takes you instead to a glorious I Love Egg picture, with the Egg Song link quite obviously at the top right. To abusively quote the lyrics to "Sweet and Low-Down" for my own purposes, "If you need a tonic-- and the need is chronic, if you're in a crisis, my advice is . . ." to view the Egg Song movie repeatedly until your sobs of hopelessness turn to giggles of glee, your skin sagging with ennui is revitalized with the buoyancy of joy, and your rosy grief-cracked eyes are sated, soothed, and glazed with egg-stasy. [Pun inspired by Nick Kwiatek.]

A V-Day post exxxxtra-specially for Erin Coffey

While I delightedly await the momentary arrival of the liver-damage-free booze, "Coffey-licious Liver Tonic" (here's hoping it's coffee-flavored!), I'm inspired to share with you the recently completed page of my office Mad Libs-A-Day Calendar for February 14th, 2007:

A Symbol of Love

People know Cupid to be a scantily clad sheep with a pair of donkeys on his back and a bow and child in his suspender. Cupid shoots a commodity into your hand, and you automatically harness in love with someone. [Thanks to Dan Greenbaum, Martin Lynch, and Joshua Rosenberg, in order of seniority.]

While we're on the topic, I'll share on (like a crazy diamond) today's page in the Mad Libs office calendar. (It's apparently trying to get us in the mood to hand over our hard-earned shekels in exchange for overpriced heart-shaped edibles tomorrow.)

My Favorite Candy

My favorite candy is speedboat because it fluctuates in your vas deferns, not in your scoreboards. At least that's what the goat cheese package says. [Not sure which staff members to blame for this one.]

Can't Hold Back Any Longer

I couldn't not add more!

"We May Be Crazy, But We Have Our Sh*t Together."

Yes, today I overheard a tough-minded high school girl raising the bar for crazy people. Previously I'd thought that being "crazy" for a little (or long) while was an explanation for regrettable lapses in judgment and performance. But apparently there's a strain of competence in the crazy community. I was going to explain my absence from this blog for the past few ice ages by letting you know that I'd been a little crazy for the last few months. Now I'm going to have to hunt down that overachieving hellcat and ask her how she suggests that I explain it. Sheesh.

The gratuitous photos here are some of many lovely images created by the phenomenal photgrapher Rachel Watson. She put out a call for people to model with their pets and you know I wasn't going to miss an opportunity to immortalize Monte's comeliness. Look carefully and you can see Monte holding my fingertip, his tiny, affectionate way of holding my hand.

Eyelid Enhancements

Now that I've got my exhaustion-induced eyelid twitch back, the world looks all strobelighty half the time. It's like a free show. Everywhere I go looks kind of like a nightclub. It's a relief to leave behind the staid, stationary-objects world.

In another noted incidence of comically nonstandard English,
a sign in the foyer of Patrick's apartment building exclaimed:

"Attention!
We will be appling
anti-roach get.
We need U to be there."

Appling? Is that related to bobbing, like for apples? Get is a noun?

Boringly, it seems that applying gel, of an anti-roach nature, is what they're getting at here.

Big Apple Fest, NYC.

Serial Killer Impersonators Overwhelm W'burg

On a walk this weekend, Shara and I passed a guy I pointed out was a dead ringer for Ed Kemper (specifically this photo), the serial killer I find most interesting. This dude wasn't actually wearing the jumpsuit, but he definitely had the moustache and around 7 feet of height. I gawked shamelessly at his retreating back, and had to explain to Shara who Ed Kemper was. The likeness was stunning, but given that this photo was taken well over 25 years ago, and Kemper is securely esconced in a CA prison, it was certainly not him. If there were a market for that sort of thing, he could make a killing as an impersonator. If you were hoping for a rim shot, or some sort of metatextual commentary about puns or something, don't hold your breath.

After reflecting for a moment, Shara thoughtfully remarked that "the '70's serial killer look is pretty big in this area." She has a point.

Clear: God's favorite color

Perhaps trying to cheer me up in the midst of new-semester distress, the same guy who apparently relishes tidying up around here, and wished me a happy weekend on Thursday, recently remarked on how smart God is. As evidence, he cited that God made air, which we can't see, and water, which we can see through. I gather that the more transulecent or invisible something is, the smarter you have to be to have created it, or the more weighty it is as evidence of God's influence. Now I can't stop thinking about stripper shoes and ice sculptors and saran wrap, and their relative holiness.

Skilled Craftsquirrels

I've just gotten back into town from my Ocean City, MD adventure with the Smith Bro.s and Co. OC (as it dubs itself) and all the states I drove through to get to and from it provided such a dizzying buffet of things to think about, I don't know where to start. My most recent observations:

On the drive home last night I saw Artisans' Bank for the first time, and I am so weak for their logo, a nut-clutching squirrel. Reproduced here. Squirrels are my favorite animal, and, as I learned from a paperback at my feet on a long car-trip, they are also my "spirit animal." I double checked, and yes, artisans are skilled manual workers or craftspeople. I'm not sure what the analogy is to squirrels, who have many fine features, but are not noted for their skills, so much. They don't, like, study and practice stuff, which is what you do to get skills. But whatevs, I feel warmly toward squirrels, and nuts, and nut-clutching squirrels, and artisans, and money. I'm happy to see all of them in one building.

Across the street from each other on some expressway or other I saw "High's Food Store," and "Super G Food & Pharmacy." So if you're high, or a Super G, and you want food or pharmaceuticals, there's a clearly marked place for you.

At the end of dinner, immediately before our sojourn back Brooklyn-way, Chris (or "Christmas," as I called him throughout the trip) explained that applesauce is the new beef. Take note, this guy knows from food.

Oh, and I actually saw, with my very own (admittedly ocean-damaged) blinkers: the famed DeVry Institute. It's not just on TV, it's also in New Jersey. In a real building with a sign and everything.

They Sell Awareness There

En route to this last weekend's adventure in the Catskills, I unexpectedly spent the night in New Paltz, where I have never been before. I learned that they have a mountain there, and that The College Students are back. In what I believe to be related incidents, the local hostel (featuring a lot of handmade ceramics and a front-garden fountain) was full, and a minivan was pulled over on Main Street, apparently for having approximately 14 bicycles attached to it, some of which were completely blocking the back window. Since there was no room at the inn, I thought we should go the whole Biblical route, and sleep in a manger, or manger equivalent, like the car. Then one of us (I vote Patrick) could give immaculate-conception birth to Jesus, or a Jesus equivalent, like the car. Ha! Honestly, I can't think of a Jesus equivalent as easily as a manger equivalent. But that's irrelevant because Patrick stonewalled that suggestion in favor of "87 Motel." The 87 Motel was a wonderful experience, and the neighboring Nature met and exceeded expectations for loveliness. I just noticed that Motel 87's website cheerfully advertises a variety of animals in the area, including "numerous funky bugs, which are easily visted during your stay." I'm pleased to report that we didn't "vist" any bugs of any kind.

New Paltz is also home to the Convenient Deli, and an establishment called The Awareness Shop. I can't stop wondering whether the dearth of convenience in New Paltz justifies the Convenient Deli's apparent silence on the subject of popular deli features like freshness, Italianness, or "homestyle." I'm suspicious when a food-selling place highlights a completely non-food attribute as its greatest asset.

The Awareness Shop was closed, so I don't know what sort of awareness is available for sale, or if it is competitively priced. I'd like to know what sort of awareness is so valuable or rare that people pay for it in a retail situation. Awareness is basically knowledge, right, lots of which is available free of charge. If you wanna pay for knowledge, normally you go to college. Not a strip mall.